I Needed You Most
by WitchGirl
Summary: Carter’s emotions on Christmas Eve 2000 are a little different than expected…
1. Roller Coaster

I Needed You Most  
  
Summary: Carter's emotions on Christmas Eve 2000 are a little different than expected…  
  
Disclaimer: If you didn't know that I didn't own these characters, than… well, you know. The song exerts are from a Blink 182 song called… Well, it's called Untitled!  
  
A/N: Some quick thing I just wrote here at school. Pretty sappy fic if you ask me, but please review, be it good or bad!  
  
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But what do I get 'cause I just seem to lose   
You make me regret those times I spent with you   
And playing those games as I wait for your call   
And now I give up, so goodbye and so long   
  
Carter sat alone on the roof twiddling with a Christmas card. He hadn't opened it but he knew who it was from. It wasn't for this year, it was from last year. He couldn't bear to see that note again, that little signature, that name that had been haunting his mind for the past year. Best friends, good friends, buddies or just acquaintances? He had told himself that he was her friend. If he was her friend, then why did he ignore her so much? Why did he push her to the side as if she was unimportant? Why did he fight with her? How could he have been so insensitive towards her?  
  
You have your other friends   
They were there when you cried   
Didn't mean to hurt you then   
Best friends just won't leave your side   
  
"Good, you haven't broken down yet," Abby smiled as she came and stood next to him, looking up at the stars.  
"Broken down?"  
"It's Christmas. Your first one without Lucy. We just thought-"  
"We?"  
"I'm sorry... It's just, we thought you'd be a bit depressed."  
"Been there, done that," Carter waved as if to dismiss her from his mind. He was angry. He knew he should be sad, but for some reason he couldn't be. As he said, he had gotten past that emotion. Now, he felt anger. How could she leave him? Why did she have to go? There were so many questions he kept asking himself. He was mad at the world. Mad at himself, even mad at Lucy. If only he had paid more attention, treated her more like a human being… *That's it!* he thought, *That was why I ignored her!*  
"I really did love her!" he finally admitted out loud, "I really did!" he said it one more time, just to make himself believe it. Abby said nothing. He hadn't wanted to admit it before. She was his student, he couldn't have. That's why he avoided looking into her sparkling blue eyes. He had loved her. And she had let him down just like he had let her down by ignoring her. She had left him.  
  
When I needed you most   
When I needed a friend   
You let me down now   
Like I let you down then  
  
"You *did* love her?" Abby asked, finally.  
"Yeah..."  
"No..."  
"What?" Carter looked up at her.  
"Well, you are saying you *did* love her... As in past tense. You don't used to love her, Carter, you *do* love her!" Abby said as she took the card from him. She opened it to show the quick message she had written.  
"'To a great man and a brilliant teacher,'" Abby read aloud, "'May many happy memories come to you in the next year.'" She slipped something into the card when Carter wasn't looking and handed it back. She turned and left. Maybe Lucy hadn't let him down. After her death, he wasn't sure he'd make it through the year, but here he was, Christmas Eve, the year almost over. The roller coaster of emotions he had been riding just took another turn. He actually felt… warmer. Slightly happier and more forgiving. He looked up at the dark, shining diamond studded sky. The stars were twinkling bright as ever even though there was a light snow falling. An icy snowflake fell on his nose. He didn't care.  
"Thanks for helping me get through this, Luce," he whispered into the wind. If he hadn't known better, he would have sworn he heard a 'your welcome' whisper back.  



	2. Carousel (Happy Memroies)

Chapter two: Carousel (Happy Memories)  
  
I talk to you every now and then   
I never felt so alone again   
I stop to think at a wishing well   
My thoughts send me on a carousel  
  
Carter had stayed at the hospital all night. Even though he had been tired, he knew he could have been in the comfiest bed and still not be able to sleep. All he could think about was Lucy. He didn't know why, but that was all that was in his head. It was now around six AM and he was on the roof again. He opened the card and something fell out. He picked it up from off of the floor.  
"Who…" he started then realized what the thing was. He turned the thin sheet over and saw a date and a note.  
  
Here I am standing on my own   
Not a motion from the telephone   
I know not a reason why   
Solitude's a reason to die  
  
"December 25, 1999," he sighed. Without reading the note, he turned the thing back over again and saw a picture that was so full of hope and happiness it seemed to glow. It was a picture Mark had taken of the five of them. Abby, Elizabeth, Dave, himself and Lucy. He sighed. Dave was sneaking up on Abby, about to pour some eggnog on her head. Elizabeth was smiling pleasantly at the camera, but her eyes were on Abby waiting for her to turn around and chase Dave. They were in the center of the picture, but in the corner, sitting together on the couch was Carter and Lucy. Lucy had the most wonderful laugh. He remembered that night so clearly now. Lucy had told him about her hopes for the future. Carter wished he had listened with more interest.   
  
I guess its just another   
I guess its just another   
I guess its just another night alone  
  
He turned the photo around again and read the note.  
  
Carter,  
I thought this might help remind you of the happy times we all spent together. None of this would have been possible without her. And, all though you think those times are over, just because she's gone doesn't mean we still can't have times like these.  
Happy Hollidays,  
Abby  
  
And Carter knew she was right. He took one last look at inky blue sky. He remembered the soft whisper he had heard before and was certain not only the wind was in it. Memories flooded back to him like waves crashing on the beach. In particular, that fateful Valentine's day when Lucy had left them forever. Right now, he felt devoid of all emotions. He was free of all thoughts but her face. And for one moment, he finally found peace with the world.  
"Merry Christmas, Lucy Knight. May many happy memories follow all of us and continue to come for all eternity."  
  
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OK, I THINK that's the end, but you never know. And another Disclaimer: this song is called Carousel by Blink 182 as well. If I do write more, they will always be to a blink song. Yeah, that's about all. 


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